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tv   At Midnight  Comedy Central  November 18, 2014 12:01am-12:34am PST

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with your slow motion horse, the bestest. ♪ strongbow, world's number one hard cider . >> stephen: that's it for "the report," everybody! good captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> it's 11:59, and 59 seconds this happened on barstools dpz sports.com today. have you ever been late to catch a bus? i haven't i'm a millionaire. wait, the bus is those giant-- i thought those were like land whales. i didn't even know-- they just swallowed a bunch of people who looked really depressed. i didn't know-- they take people to, with and stuff? okay, what ever. but for the rest of you who don't drive jaguars here is some sage advice. no matter how much of a
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hurry you may be in, remember, there's always another bus. just ask this guy, roll it. >> (applause) sorry, mario your princess is at another bus stop. (laughter) and it looks like that kid is busted. all right. we'll see you guys tomorrow night. until then, keep the game going on twitter by tweeting @midnight with your #awesome bus@nerdist on the tweet. that's our show. good night, thank you good night good night. oh. what's that? i'm being told there is still 29 more minutes of show left. (laughter) and also that joke was terrible. okay. fine. great. hey we're good. sunglasses off. where were we? right dumb ss kid runs through a late glass window
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to catch a bus. what is something that would make you run through a plate glass window april richardson. >> only if i was in an 80s buddies cop movie pursuing the bastard who killed my partner. >> yes, of course. jerry minor. >> a big salem plate glad window. >> yes. >> moshe. >> i would run through a plate glass window to get women paid the same amount as menment wait, that's the glass ceiling. >> okay good. a good note to start on. it's time forrate midnight. captioning sponsored by comedy central -- @midnight. welcome to @midnight. chris hardwick. tonight's come yesterday bes performing at laughing skull lounge april richardson. (applause) >> your shirt april you said depetition mode but that is a joy division cover and boys don't
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cry-- [bleep]. >> i'm here to make all the goths laugh. somebody needs to. somebody needs to. >> you are bumping on her shirt. the hair handle do is incredible. >> it's amazing. from brickleberry season finale tomorrow on comedy central jerry minor. (applause) from the hound tall discussion series moshe casher. (applause) let's begin this program. ripped from today's internethead lines it's rapid fresh. -- refresh. well it's a new week which seems there is a new meme trending on twitter. a meme that contains four photos that make up a person's starter pack. it was tweeted over 80,000 times. an example i'm college student starter pack, netflix some water, ramen and pocket pussy.
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also doubles as an empty wallet. or the i just got my heartbroken starter pack where you have got some selfies, booze a drake cd and then-- so my favorite i think is the starter pack for i'm what a white guy without will fight anyone. and there's that. starter pack for that. (applause) so i don't know, i feel like this could be a bunch of different things. comedians what would you name this starter pack. >> i would have to say some grown men in their 30s thinks it's okay to wear this on first dates starter pack. >> points. from real experience. >> anything you want to talk about. >> that is ripped from the headlines. >> i don't see the dude in the shirt meshing with your depetition mode. >> he doesn't. mesh with my shirt or anything else. moshe. >> i would say this is the
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mma/aa starter kit. >> okay points. perfect. >> i think we would all have to agree on that on facebook the tail of a facebook another princess cruise ship got hit with the norovirus causing more than 170 passengers to, how do i put this gently overflow on to the poop deck. do you think they have a group discount like maybe a poopon that we could-- get on this boat? >> no. >> april is shaking her head. >> no! (applause) they went over the official princess facebook page to see if they had a statement for the latest floating toilet but no they're going full steamer ahead. here's the last post. describe your dream cruise to alaska in three words. okay, they asked for it so comedians please describe this dream cruise in three words jerry minner. >> first of all put that coffee down. second a, b s always be [bleep].
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>> points. >> i call moshe. >> i call this cruise the love bloat. >> (applause) >> and now it's time for #wars. (applause) yes. "saturday night live" creator lorne michaels birthday is today. so what dow get the pan-- listen, they have had a i magazine characters on the show. they have had some characters that pain didn't pan out as well. so what do we get this guy for his birthday. i think we need to give him some more failed sketch characters. which maybe they can spin into gold. so feel free to use some of these lorne, if you want. tonight's dash hag-- #is rejected snl ca,. examples could be the geico caveman lawyer or hands an dennis franz, or the westboro baptist church lady.
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but 60 seconds on the clock. go. >> moshe. >> nonracist buck wheat. >> points. >> april. >> unfrozen caveman gynecologist. >> points. >> debi down syndrome. >> points. >> jerry. >> john wayne daysy's world. >> points. >> mr. bill cosby. >> points. >> oh no! moshe. >> the coneheads but they're actual cone heads due to a congenital birth defect. >> points. >> two wild and crazy gays. >> points. >> moshe. >> hans and franz nazi war criminals. >> moshe. >> asian american cast member. (applause) >> that is the end of the #wars, send us your #rejected snl characters to
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keep the game going. we'll be right back with more @midnight. >> our last hash tague war was sent by@e fox fan. we d d come to t-mobile and get the samsung galaxy note 4 for zero down. we'll even buy you out of your contract. so you can get the samsung galaxy note 4 for zero down today.
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(cheers and applause) >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time to play flight risk. flight risk. (applause) now we all hate flying but it has a lot of it has to do with other passengers. flight attendant sean cathleen decided to issue her own brand of vigilante justice by creating a facebook page called
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passenger shaming which is thankfully what it sounds like. photos submitted from facebook users of the most inappropriate airline travelers behavior. i will show you a picture for 250 points i want you to tell me the reason they are flying. okay. first one look at this walking 4loko poster. (laughter) is that mcconneghey? jerry minor. >> he don't know either. he woke up like this. yolo. >> points. >> april. >> he's clearly traveling to florida for a meeting of his international meth cartel. >> yeah points. (applause) >> points for that next one. >> who hasn't sat in a flight next to this person. >> oh my goodness. >> oh brother. moshe. >> to eat another thai child
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bride. >> place (applause) >> points. >> did he put a pillowcase over his head to cover his eyes? i mean-- he's uncovered the part you don't want to see see-- he's a member of the ku klux clown. >> yeah. (applause) april? >> he is traveling because he's got to make it to a job sper view a s-- sous chef and guy fieri's new restaurant. >> (applause) >> all right next one. this one, because you can never be too safe. never-- be too safe. >> april sm. >> he's only flying because he has yet to turn into a butterfly.
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>> yes. points. >> jerry. >> yeah they make-- made him buy a particular for his condom. >> points. next one, how about this first class traveler. >> april? >> you guys he just wants to make it home in time to od with his family. that's sad. >> funny. >> and finally this person. >> jerry? >> he's going to take office as the mayor of funky town. (applause) >> points. he's on his way to a for pit bull-con. >> the thing s everyone cosplay
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as pitbull. give me peanuts. >> that's the end of flight risk am time for our next game. normal day in russia. a normal day in russia is dedicated exclusively to videos and life in russia depicted a terrifying dystopian landscape that sometimes has bears. so i want to tell you the name of the reddit post and for 250 points i want you to tell me what we see when we click on it, all right. first one the threat called routine traffic stop in russia. will we see a soviet era tank crushing a prius that rolled through a stop sign or an impatient traffic cop punches in the drivers side window. >> traffic cop punches in the window. >> man, i hope so let's find out. >>
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(laughter) >> points. >> man. >> it doesn't diminish. >> it's not-- next one. >> this post is called taking out the trash. will we see an edmontonerly casually dumping his waist bassett into theout of a bear ar a tree crushing a woman as he throws away gar. >>. >> the tree, got to be the tree. >> got to be the tree. let's find out. oh. it's all good. >> he is just-- oh pie god. >> still got a job to do. it's all good. >> that lady. send that lady out to fight crime or something. that's like bruce willis unbreakable stuff like -- >> in soviet russia garbage takes you. >> yeah. >> i think-- i think someone
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needs to add i am brute. >> next one, this post is called hey, check out how deep this snow is. will we see a tunnel in the snow that seems to go be forever until an angry wolf appears on a man jumping off from a snow drift. >> he is going to jump off that building into a snow drift. >> all right. let us find out comerads. >> oh. (applause) (applause) whoa! i guess russia is so far hine they're just now getting jackass just now get tag on tv. >> points for april richardson for that. that prings us to the end of normal day in russia. name for our live challenge
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grindr. a reddit recently posted a pons from wise hiv third grade institute who was asked to name four ways to communicate with someone besidesing where a letter. so the student technically did what they were asked. okay, number one twitter check. focebook check. focetime. >> check. grindr no check. what? no check. i mean-- (applause) >> i don't want to get-- i don't want to get supertechnical on this woman who is doing the noble profession of teaching our children but grindr is just as valid a way to communicate as this kid's other apps. maybe the problem is they just haven't learned about it yet. so as comedians as their teacher please explain what grindr is to a third grader. we'll get your answers after the break. right back with more @midnight.
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(applause) >> welcome back to @midnight. before the break i asked you to describe grindr to a third grade class as their teacher. let's see you what wrote. april rippedson. >> it's how daddies find other daddies to get on fishing trips with. you know, the ones where they don't come back with any fish but tons of leather pant approximates? >> all right. good. (applause) i think that works. within it works. >> jerry? >> when a man and a man don't love each other very much. >> all right. moshe. >> just like a play date, no girls are allowed. you have to share toys and if you are's not careful you can get supergonorrhea. >> all right. thousand points for moshe 500 to april 2 for jerry as we jump to our next game. does anybody else-- the subreddit does anybody else
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is a place for people to post their weird habits and sexual proclivities to see if anyone else out there is ocd guilt riddelled or deranged as they might be. for example some real does anybody else poster like does anybody else like to keep a scab for a little while after you pick it. or does anybody else get naked when they give their dog a shower? i mean come on, no one would actually do that right who would actually do that. oh. actually-- (applause) i think-- i think this also appeared on the sub reddit guess what i just pulled out of my ass don't talk about pablo like that. >> . >> i would like you to give me as many of your weird gaes as you can. let's put 50 seconds op the
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clock and go. >> the anyone else masturbate to ship mates and talking de. >> i do. >> april. >> does anybody else take off their panlts as soon as they walk in the door? (applause) >> home, home is where the pants aren't. >> yes points. >> moshe. >> does anybody else not know which golden girl they would [bleep] first? >> yeah blanch devereaux, right off the bat. >> disanyone else plan on circumcising their children no matter what gender they are. >> jerry. >> does anybody else miss gill more girls. >> jerry minner. >> anybody else turned on by x-rated cartoons. >> an beehives like march simpson. >> yes. >> does anybody else wonder whatever happened to the youngest daughter on family matters. i did i researched it. she did porn. all right. that brings us to the end of
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does anybody else. and april, this breaks my heart but we have tow eliminate you. you are in third place. >> all right thanks you guys. (applause) actually i notice your hair is just a little bit damp so we are going to put you under a heat lamp. >> there you go. >> let that dry. that means it's time to take our guidance counselor and his [bleep] students to for the win. >> hey guys remember prom, that thing where the girl you took said she just wanted to be friends and got fingered by someone else in the men's bathroom? there was also the time you thought it would be a good idea to take a formal picture with all your best buds without shirts on. remember we all did that? well, you don't? well reddit will remind you. look at that. never forget. this is either a prom picture or a disturbing
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parliament. but apparently this fella didn't get the memo right here. he's wearing the shirt. comedians during the break i would like you to write the classmates.com for one of these bros reconnecting with his old school chums. we will have the answer when we come back on @midnight. ??
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every cookie here at left twix® is extra crisp so it stays crunchy when we apply caramel and chocolate. >>right twix has the same thing. they have packing tape like that over at right twix? try both. pick a side. twix
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-- (cheers and applause) >> welcome back to @midnight. it's time for for the win. i'm going to wipe your scores clean wipe wipe wipe, wipe, wipe wipe. i will read the answers, you decide who shall be the winner. before the break i showed you a picture of the chip
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endale as high school graduating class of 1999 or also the picture you could have used to describe grindr to a third grader. i asked you guys to write the classmates.com dm from one of these bros trying to reconnect with one of his brother's in arms. let's see what you wrote. first one. >> hey, mike it's me magic dan dow still talk to magic stan and magic -- >> (applause) >> or hey it's me t-shirt guy. i talk tied bunch of people they have never heard of a post brom bukoki either. that was a rotten trick. (applause) >> i think it's number two. who was number two. >> moshe carber. (applause) you have won the internet. well done. i'm very proud of you. the funniest person for the next 23.5 hours. until tomorrow keep the game
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going on twitter by tweeting odd myth night of rejected snl characters. ♪ ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ - ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm goin' down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night, people spouting howdy neighbor ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine ♪
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